my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
