You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.