Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.