these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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