Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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