I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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