Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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