I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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