That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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