just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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