Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
