If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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