Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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