I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
