I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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