3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
