drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize