I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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