Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I supernannyed him into submission
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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