My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
