I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
