I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
