Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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