I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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