Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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