dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
