this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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