Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
