The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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