I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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