Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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