Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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