You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
