I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
