dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
