I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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