HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
