I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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