just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
