Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My liver just had a heart attack.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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