I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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