my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
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When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit