good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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