so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....