Too much gin, very little bucket
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
