Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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