Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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