The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
