There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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