Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
