I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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