...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
