i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
