Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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