I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
