All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
